I will not be easily intimidated into giving into your demands.
I will not be easily threatened into keeping quiet.
Therefore, on saying that, I will not keep what I went through "quiet" in hopes you keep whatever goods you have on me out. You want to tell the world, I watch television, listen to music and hang out on fan discussion message boards, and chat boards. By, all means.
I'm saving you the trouble by letting people know that is one of my weaknesses. I'm not ashamed. I have nothing to hide. I will not cover it up nor deny that I was on a fan discussion board, let it be an old soap opera that I use to watch, or Degrassi series....that's besides the point.
Now you do not have anything on me to use against me, to try to intimidate me, to try to black mail into supposedly ruining your reputation.
You want to send people my posts logs of the places I frequented, and give them links so they can read my thoughts, and whatever on those topics whatever it was I had with those people, by all means, do that if that will get you some support, some sympathy, some sense of understanding of what you've put up with, which I guess in your eyes, according to you, justifies the means for what the hell you put me through all these years...hmmm...
nice...
well.
this is to say...no...
NO as in I will not allow you nor anyone else to do that to me, to think they have that sense of power or control over me.
Whether it be you the ex....or your friends, yeah the ones that also frequent here, and there, like vultures circling around their prey and waiting, to make their move zip!
I'm not afraid.
As the song in Native deen goes, "I'm not Afraid to Stand Alone."
and I'm definitely not afraid so whatever threats you have or "goods" you think you can use to try to scare me into giving into you, sorry. But, you haven't won, I do not care if you record me over the phone with you in telling you, I want to finalize this divorce and get your address...stop playing these games!
But, no..
you want to play these games.... you love it for some odd reason, it's a sick and twisted thing of yours.
I do not have time to play these games, and using these things you have against me really doesn't work at least for me as I'm saying "ENOUGH! and grow up!"
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
recipes section
I have a recipe section on my blog so check it out if you can.
http://ibyisaliamom.wordpress.com
http://ibyisaliamom.wordpress.com
Thursday, June 4, 2009
To what point should one go, for doing the right thing?
http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showpost.php?p=2645&postcount=1
You might have to join in order to view it but it is real important.
Please pay particularly attention to the section in where it states;
the exceptional part.
that's the one we should remember.
and abuse is not a fault, nor a mistake, so this is something we should not cover up.
abuse is not the same as someone fornicating, or not lowering their gaze
abuse is considered a "crime" which the person has to be held accountable for, which has to warned to people so they too don't fall victimized to that, and that person has to ask for forgiveness, and apology.
It is better the person ask for forgiveness in this life, rather on the Day of Judgment begging for mercy and forgiveness because Allah will not be merciful and forgiving to anyone that does not ask for forgiveness and mercy to someone that they may or have wronged, such as this crime which is a MAJOR sin, but also a crime which the person has to be held accountable for, and for justice.
People need to emphasize on that and understand that.
It's not about someone insulting someone because of their looks, or because they didn't properly put the shoes on the shoe rack, or put the toilet seat down, or missed a smuge on the floor, or missed a dirt dust bunny in the corner.
This isn't about a person forgetting to remember a person's birthday or anniversary, or pick them up from their work, or get gas for the car. Or pick up the milk, bread, and eggs from the grocery store.
This isn't about getting diapers from the pharmacy or medicine.
This isn't about someone comparing you to someone else, and asking you to be like that person.
It's about abuse, plain and simple. It's not something that we as Muslims should cover it up, and pretend it does not exist and say it is not happening in hopes that the victims aka survivors will just stop talking about it, no. It does exist.
We as Muslims, and as people should acknowledge that and recognize that there is a problem, a HUGE problem in which we have to take care and really try to stop people from repeating it.
I think if we truly want to help our younger generation from repeating the same cycle, we need to recognize this is a problem, realize it is one, acknowledge it, and try to find solutions to stop it. We can dig to the roots to see where it comes from, authority, insecurities, low self-esteem, repeated from genes, of generation to another.
Bottom line: You have a choice. You can steer into that direction and continue to abuse.
OR
You can stop it from overtaking you, and controlling you, rather than you controlling yourself and stop yourself from repeating it, or doing it period!
There are a lot of people that have had horrible lives, growing up in strict households and parents being overbearing. Some people having parents that were abusive to them as children, and growing up, and those parents will say, this was the same for them, and theirs as well so history repeated itself, from what they saw.
But, you seeing it, and realizing it's wrong, you can take notice of that and stop it from happening to you.
You can say well whatever happens, I did it because I turned out good and it made me stronger.
Still....abuse...that type...the symptoms...the belittlement...the insults....the comparism it doesn't work. In the long run, abuse, whether it's physical, emotional, verbal, mental, psychological, financial, economical, sexual.....all that is wrong. All that is a crime.
If you were to call up the police and tell them that you forgot to pick up the milk from the store, or that you forgot to put the toilet seat down, or forgot to take out the trash.
They'll ask you to not call them unless it's something serious.
These days the above is something serious for those that need it. But, it's not against the law, human law, islamic law, or just basic law. It's not a crime to forget to take the trash out. It's not a crime to forget to put the toilet seat down.
But, if you were to call them and say, "I've been sexually abusive to my family, I've been very physically abusive with them for years to the point that I've tried to choke the life out of them."
What do you think the police will do if they hear that? They'd want to ask the "surviviors,the victims" if we want to press charges. We have that choice, whether or not to do so. Again, it's a crime.
I feel in order for people to heal from being victims and surviviors as well as the abusers is to admit the problem, admit the abuse, don't deny it.
Get counseling, and start the process at healing.
And making a promise to yourself and to others that you have wronged that you will not allow yourself to lose control like that again.
You are bound to make mistakes, you are bound to lose your cool, you are bound to lose your temper and say things you might regret or will regret, you are bound to do that.
But.....
Recognize it...admit it when you're wrong.
apologize..... say it.... I'm sorry.
When you make a promise...keep it........Don't say. I promise and break it the next minute or pretend that you didn't make the promise, or that you don't remember. We remember, we know.
Don't lose that trust that people have in you, or faith, or patience because once you do, things get worse.
So......I hope this can be used for good purposes...
the purposes of we recognizing it....and getting the help.
Yes, I'm in counseling.
But, that does not stop me from saying....You know. if these ppl all helped one another, all these problems, crimes wouldn't be happening.
Because everything is hidden, and kept quiet, and people are hidden to feel ashamed, at fault, and their problem, and they did it, and deserved it, we feel alone, when we're not.
We are easily threatened and felt intimidated by these people who have such control and power over us, but it's sad. We really do not have to play the same game as them into giving into their demands. If they know they can easily, just easily say things to you to get you to keep it down. They will keep using it against you. But, if you say, you know. You can't say that to me.
I'm a human, I'm a person. I have my rights, in regular human law, and in Islam. This isn't right and you can't treat me this way, no matter what you think or say. It does not matter if you think or feel you have power and control. You do not, will not have it over me. You might have in the past. But, no more. Because enough is enough.
You might have to join in order to view it but it is real important.
Please pay particularly attention to the section in where it states;
the exceptional part.
that's the one we should remember.
and abuse is not a fault, nor a mistake, so this is something we should not cover up.
abuse is not the same as someone fornicating, or not lowering their gaze
abuse is considered a "crime" which the person has to be held accountable for, which has to warned to people so they too don't fall victimized to that, and that person has to ask for forgiveness, and apology.
It is better the person ask for forgiveness in this life, rather on the Day of Judgment begging for mercy and forgiveness because Allah will not be merciful and forgiving to anyone that does not ask for forgiveness and mercy to someone that they may or have wronged, such as this crime which is a MAJOR sin, but also a crime which the person has to be held accountable for, and for justice.
People need to emphasize on that and understand that.
It's not about someone insulting someone because of their looks, or because they didn't properly put the shoes on the shoe rack, or put the toilet seat down, or missed a smuge on the floor, or missed a dirt dust bunny in the corner.
This isn't about a person forgetting to remember a person's birthday or anniversary, or pick them up from their work, or get gas for the car. Or pick up the milk, bread, and eggs from the grocery store.
This isn't about getting diapers from the pharmacy or medicine.
This isn't about someone comparing you to someone else, and asking you to be like that person.
It's about abuse, plain and simple. It's not something that we as Muslims should cover it up, and pretend it does not exist and say it is not happening in hopes that the victims aka survivors will just stop talking about it, no. It does exist.
We as Muslims, and as people should acknowledge that and recognize that there is a problem, a HUGE problem in which we have to take care and really try to stop people from repeating it.
I think if we truly want to help our younger generation from repeating the same cycle, we need to recognize this is a problem, realize it is one, acknowledge it, and try to find solutions to stop it. We can dig to the roots to see where it comes from, authority, insecurities, low self-esteem, repeated from genes, of generation to another.
Bottom line: You have a choice. You can steer into that direction and continue to abuse.
OR
You can stop it from overtaking you, and controlling you, rather than you controlling yourself and stop yourself from repeating it, or doing it period!
There are a lot of people that have had horrible lives, growing up in strict households and parents being overbearing. Some people having parents that were abusive to them as children, and growing up, and those parents will say, this was the same for them, and theirs as well so history repeated itself, from what they saw.
But, you seeing it, and realizing it's wrong, you can take notice of that and stop it from happening to you.
You can say well whatever happens, I did it because I turned out good and it made me stronger.
Still....abuse...that type...the symptoms...the belittlement...the insults....the comparism it doesn't work. In the long run, abuse, whether it's physical, emotional, verbal, mental, psychological, financial, economical, sexual.....all that is wrong. All that is a crime.
If you were to call up the police and tell them that you forgot to pick up the milk from the store, or that you forgot to put the toilet seat down, or forgot to take out the trash.
They'll ask you to not call them unless it's something serious.
These days the above is something serious for those that need it. But, it's not against the law, human law, islamic law, or just basic law. It's not a crime to forget to take the trash out. It's not a crime to forget to put the toilet seat down.
But, if you were to call them and say, "I've been sexually abusive to my family, I've been very physically abusive with them for years to the point that I've tried to choke the life out of them."
What do you think the police will do if they hear that? They'd want to ask the "surviviors,the victims" if we want to press charges. We have that choice, whether or not to do so. Again, it's a crime.
I feel in order for people to heal from being victims and surviviors as well as the abusers is to admit the problem, admit the abuse, don't deny it.
Get counseling, and start the process at healing.
And making a promise to yourself and to others that you have wronged that you will not allow yourself to lose control like that again.
You are bound to make mistakes, you are bound to lose your cool, you are bound to lose your temper and say things you might regret or will regret, you are bound to do that.
But.....
Recognize it...admit it when you're wrong.
apologize..... say it.... I'm sorry.
When you make a promise...keep it........Don't say. I promise and break it the next minute or pretend that you didn't make the promise, or that you don't remember. We remember, we know.
Don't lose that trust that people have in you, or faith, or patience because once you do, things get worse.
So......I hope this can be used for good purposes...
the purposes of we recognizing it....and getting the help.
Yes, I'm in counseling.
But, that does not stop me from saying....You know. if these ppl all helped one another, all these problems, crimes wouldn't be happening.
Because everything is hidden, and kept quiet, and people are hidden to feel ashamed, at fault, and their problem, and they did it, and deserved it, we feel alone, when we're not.
We are easily threatened and felt intimidated by these people who have such control and power over us, but it's sad. We really do not have to play the same game as them into giving into their demands. If they know they can easily, just easily say things to you to get you to keep it down. They will keep using it against you. But, if you say, you know. You can't say that to me.
I'm a human, I'm a person. I have my rights, in regular human law, and in Islam. This isn't right and you can't treat me this way, no matter what you think or say. It does not matter if you think or feel you have power and control. You do not, will not have it over me. You might have in the past. But, no more. Because enough is enough.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Counseling.
Some breathing exercises, ways to relax has been helping me ease the pain and anger.
Still dealing with flashbacks and extreme intensive and graphical, but praying and trying to keep it cool, and composed and altogether.
But, as I was told this is normal, acceptable and suppose to happen. Even though it's been months, still suppose to happen.
On that side note: I talked to a sister who told me she's making the arrangements for my things. So, alhamdulillah, for the things that I might be getting back soon, and alhamdulillah for the things I've decided in the long run might benefit someone else better, like the toys, books, clothes and such that could help someone else that might need them.
Same would go for all the other things that I left behind with a memory of what it is, and not really mattering anymore, seeing it as my friend flashed it for me asking me which one I wanted and didn't want.
I thank her sincerely and don't know how much to take the time to go through these boxes and sort them through.
I feel another sense of relief, and another sense of ok...that is one thing over...now need to deal with the finalization of my divorce which will cost me over $3000 just to get the divorce alone, not claiming for property, not even child support as I'm told it will take 3-5 years and I do not want to be married anymore, at least not to him.
SO, he does not want to give child support despite it's his islamic duty...whatever.
I'll be paying this divorce money out of my own pocket, meaning sacrificing my own things like any new clothes, or anything for myself for the next few months or until I can find a good job.
Where this $3000 or so could have been used for furthering my education, or new wardrobe for myself and the kids, or for more food / medicine / dentist costs as it's not covered by any health insurance of their teeth and checkups. But, have to get this done and over with.
And as I write this, and know it is being read by those in question, all I asked for since then was 2 things......my things returned....and child support. I got one out of the two....and I know I won't see the other at all for a long time...despite people say it will come soon..i hardly doubt it.
Some breathing exercises, ways to relax has been helping me ease the pain and anger.
Still dealing with flashbacks and extreme intensive and graphical, but praying and trying to keep it cool, and composed and altogether.
But, as I was told this is normal, acceptable and suppose to happen. Even though it's been months, still suppose to happen.
On that side note: I talked to a sister who told me she's making the arrangements for my things. So, alhamdulillah, for the things that I might be getting back soon, and alhamdulillah for the things I've decided in the long run might benefit someone else better, like the toys, books, clothes and such that could help someone else that might need them.
Same would go for all the other things that I left behind with a memory of what it is, and not really mattering anymore, seeing it as my friend flashed it for me asking me which one I wanted and didn't want.
I thank her sincerely and don't know how much to take the time to go through these boxes and sort them through.
I feel another sense of relief, and another sense of ok...that is one thing over...now need to deal with the finalization of my divorce which will cost me over $3000 just to get the divorce alone, not claiming for property, not even child support as I'm told it will take 3-5 years and I do not want to be married anymore, at least not to him.
SO, he does not want to give child support despite it's his islamic duty...whatever.
I'll be paying this divorce money out of my own pocket, meaning sacrificing my own things like any new clothes, or anything for myself for the next few months or until I can find a good job.
Where this $3000 or so could have been used for furthering my education, or new wardrobe for myself and the kids, or for more food / medicine / dentist costs as it's not covered by any health insurance of their teeth and checkups. But, have to get this done and over with.
And as I write this, and know it is being read by those in question, all I asked for since then was 2 things......my things returned....and child support. I got one out of the two....and I know I won't see the other at all for a long time...despite people say it will come soon..i hardly doubt it.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
LINKS
Assalamu alaikum.
Please send me your links for all the support groups out there for Domestic Violence/Abuse.
Send me the links for counseling groups.
Send me the links for treatment programs in your areas.
All areas, and include that in your link that way I can make each section for each part insha'Allah.
Please send me your links for all the support groups out there for Domestic Violence/Abuse.
Send me the links for counseling groups.
Send me the links for treatment programs in your areas.
All areas, and include that in your link that way I can make each section for each part insha'Allah.
Monday, June 1, 2009
con't
The point of this is we need to make this situation aware to all.
We need to make it acknowledged and known.
We need to urge our masjids to have workshops for programs such as this, that address this.
We have way too many that discuss the usual topics we hear at masjids but not something like this.
We need to put in more suggestions for topics like this to be addressed.
We need more support groups, and counseling sessions for couples, and counseling sessions for sisters that has endured through pain, and sessions for our children.
We need outlets for where our children can go when they are in need.
We need more women shelters out there.
We need more treatment programs out there for people that have angerment issues.
We need more than what we can do with so little people we have, which is why we need to form together with all the different organizations and form as one, with the different branches within, yet still reaching out to the community, and reaching out to the people to join and contribute and give.
When someone asked me what I wanted out of this, I said I wanted it to be known as I speak from experience.
I also want to make sure it does not happen again to anyone I know and wouldn't get the opportunity to know because of it.
I do not want our children to go through it, even though some will say its bound to happen.
I'm going to say no it is not bound to happen if we all speak out to break the cycle.
I will try to do everything in my power, and everything in my will to help my children get through this, and to know they're not alone.
I will do everything in my strength to be brave and not be shut down.
I will continue to do this, so my children do not have to repeat this to their own families when they have grown, and to their own children in passing off the abuse to one another.
I feel that even though it is taught the abuse, you as a grown person or a person, have a choice.
You can repeat the cycle and continue to abuse in the sense that it's right within your mind, i.e. that person deserved it, they asked for it, they're to blame, it's their fault...blah blah blah...yada yada yada. I've heard it all. Try something else.
OR
You can say, Yes this happened to me. Yes it was wrong. Yes it was bad. Yes I went through a lot. Yes I felt alone. Yes I felt betrayed. Yet I felt like it just wasn't right.
But! As a grown person, I vow not to let that happen to anyone else. I vow not to let history repeat itself, I vow not to let my own family, my own children, my own friends go through what I have gone through as I can see how it is from the "INSIDE" and I know, Allah will give me strength to stop myself from getting into it.
YES, we all have our faults, and mistakes, and our sins.
But, we have to note here. What the abuse is, it's not covering up a fault, or a mistake.
Abuse isn't a fault or a mistake. It's a sin. A huge sin. A major sin. But, it's a type of sin that you shouldn't cover up under the rug and pretend it does not exist.
It's a type of sin, which is also against the law according to Islam, and humanity.
Whether a person is physically abused, emotionally, verbally, mentally, psychologically, sexually, intellectually, financially, economically, and etc.
It's still wrong and if me speaking out against it causes a lot of uproar within the Internet.
so be it.
I do not care. Why? Because despite we have a vast majority of people frequenting the Internet from all over.
If I can hope and pray and make it matter to one person somewhere out in the world, not to lose hope, not to give up, not to surrender, not to feel alone.
Then I know I did the right thing.
And I know from a lot of positive comments I've received.
Despite there's been a huge backlash of negativity comments, that's their own ignorance. As they say, there are two sides to a story. Yes.
They are telling you theirs. I'm sharing with you mine.
Take it or leave it.
But know......my benefit is to stop it...
for your little baby's sake.... so she does not say to you, this happened to her and no one cared.
The worse thing a parent can hear is them being hurt, and you could have done nothing to prevent it, you want to do your best to protect your child from harm, you try to protect them from talking to strangers and going with strangers.
yet this happens to them, and it's either from strangers, or even worse from someone they know, someone they trusted and that's how they are treated
im sorry.
but that's just wrong.
And if that means I'm ranting, raving, whatever.
so be it.
Allah knows my intentions, and feels my intentions so Allah has given me the strength.
and I pray Allah continues to give the guidance, and strength, and patience to stick this through.
insha'Allah.
We need to make it acknowledged and known.
We need to urge our masjids to have workshops for programs such as this, that address this.
We have way too many that discuss the usual topics we hear at masjids but not something like this.
We need to put in more suggestions for topics like this to be addressed.
We need more support groups, and counseling sessions for couples, and counseling sessions for sisters that has endured through pain, and sessions for our children.
We need outlets for where our children can go when they are in need.
We need more women shelters out there.
We need more treatment programs out there for people that have angerment issues.
We need more than what we can do with so little people we have, which is why we need to form together with all the different organizations and form as one, with the different branches within, yet still reaching out to the community, and reaching out to the people to join and contribute and give.
When someone asked me what I wanted out of this, I said I wanted it to be known as I speak from experience.
I also want to make sure it does not happen again to anyone I know and wouldn't get the opportunity to know because of it.
I do not want our children to go through it, even though some will say its bound to happen.
I'm going to say no it is not bound to happen if we all speak out to break the cycle.
I will try to do everything in my power, and everything in my will to help my children get through this, and to know they're not alone.
I will do everything in my strength to be brave and not be shut down.
I will continue to do this, so my children do not have to repeat this to their own families when they have grown, and to their own children in passing off the abuse to one another.
I feel that even though it is taught the abuse, you as a grown person or a person, have a choice.
You can repeat the cycle and continue to abuse in the sense that it's right within your mind, i.e. that person deserved it, they asked for it, they're to blame, it's their fault...blah blah blah...yada yada yada. I've heard it all. Try something else.
OR
You can say, Yes this happened to me. Yes it was wrong. Yes it was bad. Yes I went through a lot. Yes I felt alone. Yes I felt betrayed. Yet I felt like it just wasn't right.
But! As a grown person, I vow not to let that happen to anyone else. I vow not to let history repeat itself, I vow not to let my own family, my own children, my own friends go through what I have gone through as I can see how it is from the "INSIDE" and I know, Allah will give me strength to stop myself from getting into it.
YES, we all have our faults, and mistakes, and our sins.
But, we have to note here. What the abuse is, it's not covering up a fault, or a mistake.
Abuse isn't a fault or a mistake. It's a sin. A huge sin. A major sin. But, it's a type of sin that you shouldn't cover up under the rug and pretend it does not exist.
It's a type of sin, which is also against the law according to Islam, and humanity.
Whether a person is physically abused, emotionally, verbally, mentally, psychologically, sexually, intellectually, financially, economically, and etc.
It's still wrong and if me speaking out against it causes a lot of uproar within the Internet.
so be it.
I do not care. Why? Because despite we have a vast majority of people frequenting the Internet from all over.
If I can hope and pray and make it matter to one person somewhere out in the world, not to lose hope, not to give up, not to surrender, not to feel alone.
Then I know I did the right thing.
And I know from a lot of positive comments I've received.
Despite there's been a huge backlash of negativity comments, that's their own ignorance. As they say, there are two sides to a story. Yes.
They are telling you theirs. I'm sharing with you mine.
Take it or leave it.
But know......my benefit is to stop it...
for your little baby's sake.... so she does not say to you, this happened to her and no one cared.
The worse thing a parent can hear is them being hurt, and you could have done nothing to prevent it, you want to do your best to protect your child from harm, you try to protect them from talking to strangers and going with strangers.
yet this happens to them, and it's either from strangers, or even worse from someone they know, someone they trusted and that's how they are treated
im sorry.
but that's just wrong.
And if that means I'm ranting, raving, whatever.
so be it.
Allah knows my intentions, and feels my intentions so Allah has given me the strength.
and I pray Allah continues to give the guidance, and strength, and patience to stick this through.
insha'Allah.
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