Thursday, October 8, 2009

Hiatus

This blog will be on a indefinite absence of hiatus.

I do not know when or if I will return and if I choose to do so, whether or not it will be a public one like this or entirely different private one alone.

That is my choice.

A clean slate.

Just as these blogs sit there collecting dust on the shelves, like books never to read again. That's how I feel to start over, a clean slate starting right now.

Friday, August 7, 2009

restraining order

What do you think a restraining order means?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Restraining_order

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

no longer valid

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

hmm hmmm..

Saturday, June 20, 2009

no way, hosay

I will not be easily intimidated into giving into your demands.

I will not be easily threatened into keeping quiet.

Therefore, on saying that, I will not keep what I went through "quiet" in hopes you keep whatever goods you have on me out. You want to tell the world, I watch television, listen to music and hang out on fan discussion message boards, and chat boards. By, all means.
I'm saving you the trouble by letting people know that is one of my weaknesses. I'm not ashamed. I have nothing to hide. I will not cover it up nor deny that I was on a fan discussion board, let it be an old soap opera that I use to watch, or Degrassi series....that's besides the point.

Now you do not have anything on me to use against me, to try to intimidate me, to try to black mail into supposedly ruining your reputation.

You want to send people my posts logs of the places I frequented, and give them links so they can read my thoughts, and whatever on those topics whatever it was I had with those people, by all means, do that if that will get you some support, some sympathy, some sense of understanding of what you've put up with, which I guess in your eyes, according to you, justifies the means for what the hell you put me through all these years...hmmm...
nice...

well.

this is to say...no...
NO as in I will not allow you nor anyone else to do that to me, to think they have that sense of power or control over me.
Whether it be you the ex....or your friends, yeah the ones that also frequent here, and there, like vultures circling around their prey and waiting, to make their move zip!

I'm not afraid.

As the song in Native deen goes, "I'm not Afraid to Stand Alone."

and I'm definitely not afraid so whatever threats you have or "goods" you think you can use to try to scare me into giving into you, sorry. But, you haven't won, I do not care if you record me over the phone with you in telling you, I want to finalize this divorce and get your address...stop playing these games!
But, no..
you want to play these games.... you love it for some odd reason, it's a sick and twisted thing of yours.
I do not have time to play these games, and using these things you have against me really doesn't work at least for me as I'm saying "ENOUGH! and grow up!"

Friday, June 19, 2009

Forgot this place does not do copy and paste, too bad, there's just so many things to say.
Yet hard to because of the copy and paste problems.
I guess more practice to typing faster than my normal speed is what I need to do.

Monday, June 8, 2009

recipes section

I have a recipe section on my blog so check it out if you can.
http://ibyisaliamom.wordpress.com

Thursday, June 4, 2009

To what point should one go, for doing the right thing?

http://www.sunniforum.com/forum/showpost.php?p=2645&postcount=1

You might have to join in order to view it but it is real important.

Please pay particularly attention to the section in where it states;


the exceptional part.

that's the one we should remember.

and abuse is not a fault, nor a mistake, so this is something we should not cover up.
abuse is not the same as someone fornicating, or not lowering their gaze
abuse is considered a "crime" which the person has to be held accountable for, which has to warned to people so they too don't fall victimized to that, and that person has to ask for forgiveness, and apology.


It is better the person ask for forgiveness in this life, rather on the Day of Judgment begging for mercy and forgiveness because Allah will not be merciful and forgiving to anyone that does not ask for forgiveness and mercy to someone that they may or have wronged, such as this crime which is a MAJOR sin, but also a crime which the person has to be held accountable for, and for justice.

People need to emphasize on that and understand that.

It's not about someone insulting someone because of their looks, or because they didn't properly put the shoes on the shoe rack, or put the toilet seat down, or missed a smuge on the floor, or missed a dirt dust bunny in the corner.
This isn't about a person forgetting to remember a person's birthday or anniversary, or pick them up from their work, or get gas for the car. Or pick up the milk, bread, and eggs from the grocery store.
This isn't about getting diapers from the pharmacy or medicine.

This isn't about someone comparing you to someone else, and asking you to be like that person.


It's about abuse, plain and simple. It's not something that we as Muslims should cover it up, and pretend it does not exist and say it is not happening in hopes that the victims aka survivors will just stop talking about it, no. It does exist.
We as Muslims, and as people should acknowledge that and recognize that there is a problem, a HUGE problem in which we have to take care and really try to stop people from repeating it.

I think if we truly want to help our younger generation from repeating the same cycle, we need to recognize this is a problem, realize it is one, acknowledge it, and try to find solutions to stop it. We can dig to the roots to see where it comes from, authority, insecurities, low self-esteem, repeated from genes, of generation to another.

Bottom line: You have a choice. You can steer into that direction and continue to abuse.

OR

You can stop it from overtaking you, and controlling you, rather than you controlling yourself and stop yourself from repeating it, or doing it period!


There are a lot of people that have had horrible lives, growing up in strict households and parents being overbearing. Some people having parents that were abusive to them as children, and growing up, and those parents will say, this was the same for them, and theirs as well so history repeated itself, from what they saw.

But, you seeing it, and realizing it's wrong, you can take notice of that and stop it from happening to you.

You can say well whatever happens, I did it because I turned out good and it made me stronger.

Still....abuse...that type...the symptoms...the belittlement...the insults....the comparism it doesn't work. In the long run, abuse, whether it's physical, emotional, verbal, mental, psychological, financial, economical, sexual.....all that is wrong. All that is a crime.

If you were to call up the police and tell them that you forgot to pick up the milk from the store, or that you forgot to put the toilet seat down, or forgot to take out the trash.
They'll ask you to not call them unless it's something serious.

These days the above is something serious for those that need it. But, it's not against the law, human law, islamic law, or just basic law. It's not a crime to forget to take the trash out. It's not a crime to forget to put the toilet seat down.

But, if you were to call them and say, "I've been sexually abusive to my family, I've been very physically abusive with them for years to the point that I've tried to choke the life out of them."

What do you think the police will do if they hear that? They'd want to ask the "surviviors,the victims" if we want to press charges. We have that choice, whether or not to do so. Again, it's a crime.

I feel in order for people to heal from being victims and surviviors as well as the abusers is to admit the problem, admit the abuse, don't deny it.
Get counseling, and start the process at healing.

And making a promise to yourself and to others that you have wronged that you will not allow yourself to lose control like that again.

You are bound to make mistakes, you are bound to lose your cool, you are bound to lose your temper and say things you might regret or will regret, you are bound to do that.
But.....

Recognize it...admit it when you're wrong.
apologize..... say it.... I'm sorry.

When you make a promise...keep it........Don't say. I promise and break it the next minute or pretend that you didn't make the promise, or that you don't remember. We remember, we know.
Don't lose that trust that people have in you, or faith, or patience because once you do, things get worse.

So......I hope this can be used for good purposes...
the purposes of we recognizing it....and getting the help.

Yes, I'm in counseling.
But, that does not stop me from saying....You know. if these ppl all helped one another, all these problems, crimes wouldn't be happening.

Because everything is hidden, and kept quiet, and people are hidden to feel ashamed, at fault, and their problem, and they did it, and deserved it, we feel alone, when we're not.

We are easily threatened and felt intimidated by these people who have such control and power over us, but it's sad. We really do not have to play the same game as them into giving into their demands. If they know they can easily, just easily say things to you to get you to keep it down. They will keep using it against you. But, if you say, you know. You can't say that to me.

I'm a human, I'm a person. I have my rights, in regular human law, and in Islam. This isn't right and you can't treat me this way, no matter what you think or say. It does not matter if you think or feel you have power and control. You do not, will not have it over me. You might have in the past. But, no more. Because enough is enough.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Counseling.

Some breathing exercises, ways to relax has been helping me ease the pain and anger.
Still dealing with flashbacks and extreme intensive and graphical, but praying and trying to keep it cool, and composed and altogether.

But, as I was told this is normal, acceptable and suppose to happen. Even though it's been months, still suppose to happen.

On that side note: I talked to a sister who told me she's making the arrangements for my things. So, alhamdulillah, for the things that I might be getting back soon, and alhamdulillah for the things I've decided in the long run might benefit someone else better, like the toys, books, clothes and such that could help someone else that might need them.
Same would go for all the other things that I left behind with a memory of what it is, and not really mattering anymore, seeing it as my friend flashed it for me asking me which one I wanted and didn't want.
I thank her sincerely and don't know how much to take the time to go through these boxes and sort them through.
I feel another sense of relief, and another sense of ok...that is one thing over...now need to deal with the finalization of my divorce which will cost me over $3000 just to get the divorce alone, not claiming for property, not even child support as I'm told it will take 3-5 years and I do not want to be married anymore, at least not to him.

SO, he does not want to give child support despite it's his islamic duty...whatever.
I'll be paying this divorce money out of my own pocket, meaning sacrificing my own things like any new clothes, or anything for myself for the next few months or until I can find a good job.

Where this $3000 or so could have been used for furthering my education, or new wardrobe for myself and the kids, or for more food / medicine / dentist costs as it's not covered by any health insurance of their teeth and checkups. But, have to get this done and over with.

And as I write this, and know it is being read by those in question, all I asked for since then was 2 things......my things returned....and child support. I got one out of the two....and I know I won't see the other at all for a long time...despite people say it will come soon..i hardly doubt it.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

LINKS

Assalamu alaikum.
Please send me your links for all the support groups out there for Domestic Violence/Abuse.
Send me the links for counseling groups.
Send me the links for treatment programs in your areas.

All areas, and include that in your link that way I can make each section for each part insha'Allah.

Monday, June 1, 2009

con't

The point of this is we need to make this situation aware to all.

We need to make it acknowledged and known.

We need to urge our masjids to have workshops for programs such as this, that address this.
We have way too many that discuss the usual topics we hear at masjids but not something like this.
We need to put in more suggestions for topics like this to be addressed.

We need more support groups, and counseling sessions for couples, and counseling sessions for sisters that has endured through pain, and sessions for our children.

We need outlets for where our children can go when they are in need.
We need more women shelters out there.

We need more treatment programs out there for people that have angerment issues.
We need more than what we can do with so little people we have, which is why we need to form together with all the different organizations and form as one, with the different branches within, yet still reaching out to the community, and reaching out to the people to join and contribute and give.

When someone asked me what I wanted out of this, I said I wanted it to be known as I speak from experience.
I also want to make sure it does not happen again to anyone I know and wouldn't get the opportunity to know because of it.
I do not want our children to go through it, even though some will say its bound to happen.

I'm going to say no it is not bound to happen if we all speak out to break the cycle.
I will try to do everything in my power, and everything in my will to help my children get through this, and to know they're not alone.
I will do everything in my strength to be brave and not be shut down.

I will continue to do this, so my children do not have to repeat this to their own families when they have grown, and to their own children in passing off the abuse to one another.

I feel that even though it is taught the abuse, you as a grown person or a person, have a choice.

You can repeat the cycle and continue to abuse in the sense that it's right within your mind, i.e. that person deserved it, they asked for it, they're to blame, it's their fault...blah blah blah...yada yada yada. I've heard it all. Try something else.

OR

You can say, Yes this happened to me. Yes it was wrong. Yes it was bad. Yes I went through a lot. Yes I felt alone. Yes I felt betrayed. Yet I felt like it just wasn't right.
But! As a grown person, I vow not to let that happen to anyone else. I vow not to let history repeat itself, I vow not to let my own family, my own children, my own friends go through what I have gone through as I can see how it is from the "INSIDE" and I know, Allah will give me strength to stop myself from getting into it.

YES, we all have our faults, and mistakes, and our sins.

But, we have to note here. What the abuse is, it's not covering up a fault, or a mistake.
Abuse isn't a fault or a mistake. It's a sin. A huge sin. A major sin. But, it's a type of sin that you shouldn't cover up under the rug and pretend it does not exist.
It's a type of sin, which is also against the law according to Islam, and humanity.

Whether a person is physically abused, emotionally, verbally, mentally, psychologically, sexually, intellectually, financially, economically, and etc.
It's still wrong and if me speaking out against it causes a lot of uproar within the Internet.
so be it.
I do not care. Why? Because despite we have a vast majority of people frequenting the Internet from all over.

If I can hope and pray and make it matter to one person somewhere out in the world, not to lose hope, not to give up, not to surrender, not to feel alone.
Then I know I did the right thing.
And I know from a lot of positive comments I've received.
Despite there's been a huge backlash of negativity comments, that's their own ignorance. As they say, there are two sides to a story. Yes.
They are telling you theirs. I'm sharing with you mine.
Take it or leave it.

But know......my benefit is to stop it...
for your little baby's sake.... so she does not say to you, this happened to her and no one cared.

The worse thing a parent can hear is them being hurt, and you could have done nothing to prevent it, you want to do your best to protect your child from harm, you try to protect them from talking to strangers and going with strangers.
yet this happens to them, and it's either from strangers, or even worse from someone they know, someone they trusted and that's how they are treated
im sorry.
but that's just wrong.

And if that means I'm ranting, raving, whatever.
so be it.
Allah knows my intentions, and feels my intentions so Allah has given me the strength.
and I pray Allah continues to give the guidance, and strength, and patience to stick this through.
insha'Allah.

my other blog

check my other blog
http://ibyisaliamom.wordpress.com

Friday, May 29, 2009

I also recommend not to lose hope.

I know it's easy to say and hard to follow. But, take it from me that has been there, and got out of it. Despite I'm out of that "Abusive" household. I still have to go through the emotional distress of coming to the realization of what I experienced was abuse, plain and simple.

Even though my ex did not beat me till I was black and blue, or break my bones to a point that I'm a bloody pulp. He did not put me in the hospital or anything like that.

But, he did put me through a whole line of abuse from emotional, verbal, psychological, economical, financial, mental, physical in the terms of shoving, pushing, and CHOKING, yes a lot of choking incidents to which he says he has no memory of, and sexual. Yes even to all the abuse that I have lived through and experienced, he says all these excuses of having no memory of it, or no control of it, or not being able to help himself because I'm so beautiful and that he can't help it which is a load of croak.

I know now from reading these books and reading information sites on victims of abuse, that this is what they will tell you so they can have an excuse for it, so you can pardon them for it, and that they can get away with it.

They can use intidimation over you, that it's their word over yours and yours is nothing compared to theirs. Yes. I've lived through that too and still am dealing with the emotional backlash of people who want me to keep the abuse quiet, saying it was my fault, or I was to blame, or that I ran away.

Excuse me, tell me seriously? Who wouldn't run away from an abuser that was mistreating them?

Honestly, if you were in the work field and your boss was giving you a hard time, to a point in where you felt you were losing yourself? Would you A) Find another job asap and get out of that situation B) Stick with the job, let it kill you because that's all you are anyways right?

So, I chose option A and I'm sure a lot of people would chose option A to get out of that situation. Why return to that same place over and over again if it's going to be the same thing, over and over again like a broken record?

You can have hope and pray that this person change, that they one day realize what they're doing is wrong, and for the sake of you, and the kids, and God that they can stop and get help.

But, I'm living in a delusional world to think that will ever happen, which is why I left. I chose to live rather than to surrender and die, which is what I felt all those months ago when I truly felt alone. I had to do my best to keep my strength up, and keep my hope that I could one day get out and try to be myself again like I use to before.

And I know people can say all sorts of crazy things, like "There are two sides to everything."

Yes, I agree. As much as people are telling you that one side of story, I'm telling you mine.

Maybe, maybe I'll go back to the very beginning, listing every single little detail down to the notch.
Maybe I'll give you a whole and full description of what I was feeling, and maybe, maybe you just might realize I did what I could and perhaps if you do realize that, maybe you will realize that and stop thinking I am in the wrong.

I never ran away, I left with the intention for my safety and the children's safety.
This might have caused me the breakup of an abusive marriage, but so be it. I will not be bullied into staying into a "marriage" and work it out for the kids sake, just so it can continue on and I find myself losing myself.

Of course people asked me if I was okay, and truly I could not share with them that I was not okay.

You really do not want to endure the abuse, nor want it get worsened if they hear you are telling people things. Even though you are discreet as possible and want them to get help, it still gets worse and worse and you suddenly find yourself in another place as these abuses take place.
All those emotions you're feeling is just sitting there, waiting to come out.

And when it does, you find yourself that you really had to let it all out, and let people know what you went through.

You also want to confront your abuser of all the pain you had to endure for years and years.
And to think, their response is, "Well you asked for it! You deserved it! OH PLEASE give me another chance! I'm ordering you to return to me at once!"

Sorry, but life does not work that way.

No I did not deserve it, nor did I ask for it, nor am I to blame nor am I at fault.
It does not matter if you say that, or a thousand people were to tell me. I know the truth.

Giving people chances when they do not apologize for their abuse, nor ask you for forgiveness means they can easily, easily take advantage of you. They take you for granted, and don't appreciate you. They know they can easily, easily, harm you, and abuse you, and use you because to them you're nothing but this thing that they can control, and have this sense of power.
They know just by little words they comment to you that it'll effect you emotionally, verbally, and mentally it'll effect you.
Killing your insides, ripping out your heart as you feel it being shoved back in. That's how I felt.
I was losing the interests around me as I tried to keep up with everything and still trying to be in with the activities, and try to cover it up and distract myself to get through them.

Not thinking about it when it was happening made me get through, putting it away and being in that other state while it was happening.

But I realize now because I didn't tell the "RIGHT PEOPLE" it kept on going on. I told the wrong people, the ones you can't trust because they just stab you in the back. I told the wrong ones because they cared more about telling others this, because it was a hiliarious moment to them to hear of someone else's abuse, it made them feel this sense of power over you that they knew this and could easily tell you whatever they wanted

So they contributed to the abuse, and contributed to the pain you felt. You knew at that point you couldn't tell anyone anything. Then, despite you confided in them in privacy, they still went and told your abuser. Whether it was to get him to stop, or get him to continue the abuse but this time with the emphasis that it was over, and that he could do whatever, get away with it, your word over his... his is more valuable, sacred, yours isn't...you're discredited, branded as a liar, and disobedient.

But, you know that is what is most likely being said about me, and it's not true.
I did what I could to save myself and the children, and protect them as I saw it was effecting me and them.

I can see so many of you defending women from afar going through abuse, yet it's happening in your own town, your own area, your own neighborhood and all you can say is well, she asked for it and deserved it. but, you don't know. You only know what you heard, and as I speak from my own two lips I have never lied about it.
and I know it's true, and I also know from the tons of brothers and sisters that have reached out to me to confirm and say 'we believe you sis, and this is our experience, etc..'

and I say.....JazakuAllahkhairun for sharing that with me, it probably took a lot out of you to do that, as it did for me.

This is my blog on my blog to vent out, my own free mind to speak on my own issues, my own thing without feeling the need I need to stop, or sweep this "abuse" under the rug because it's d irty, and dirt and dirt should be discarded.

I agree dirt has to be discarded but the way to discard it is to pick it up, see it's dirt and clean it up.
which is what we need to do with our community is clean it up.

why?

because we're a muslim ummah.

What is Emotional Abuse

  • Humiliating and degradation
  • Discounting and negating
  • Domination and control
  • Judging and criticizing
  • Accusing and blaming
  • Trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations
  • Emotional distancing and "silent treatmetn"
  • Isolation

Emotional abuse can also include more subtle forms of behavior such as;

  • Withholdin of attention or affection
  • Disapporving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior.
  • Sulking, and pouting
  • Projection and or accusations
  • Subtle threats of abandonment (either physical or emotional)
  • Believing that others should do as you say
  • not noticing how others feel
  • not caring how others feel
  • believing that everyone else is inferior to you
  • believing that you are always right (it's their attitude)

Emotional Abuse Does Damage

Victims are depressed, lack of motivation, confusion, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, low self-esteem, feelings of failure, or worthlessness, feelings of hopelessness, self-blame, self-destructiveness. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing, as it wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their perceptions, and self-concept. Such as being berrated, and belitted, by intimidation, under the guise of "guidance" is seen here.

The victim eventually loses all sense of self and personal value.

Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may longer last than the physical ones.

Emotional abuse has the insults, insinuations, criticism, accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until they feel they are incapable of judging a situation realistically. They may believe there is something wrong with them, or fear that they are losing themselves. They've become so beaten down emotionally, verbally, that they blame themselves for it.

It poisons the relationship, and infuses it with hostility, contempt, and hatred.

The more the partner is allowed to degrade the victim, the longer it will continue, and the victim will lose respect for the abuser (her partner).

The more abuse that the victim is enduring the more she will build up an intense hatred towards her partner the abuser. The disrespect and hatred that they feel leads to more emotional abuse and inappropriate, and destructive behavior.

The anger will build up overtime and the emotional can turn to physical or even worse.

This is a sample of the book entitled: "How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" the "Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverly Engel

author of the "Emotionally Abused Woman"

Another book I recommend is "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out" by Patricia Evans.

Continuance of Women Abuse Affect Our Children

GUIDELINES FOR WHEN A PARENT IS A VICTIM OF WOMEN ABUSE

You may be planning to talk to a mother about your concerns about her child's education and adjustment at school. During the parent-educator meeting, the mother may disclose situations at home where she or the children are being abused. if this occurs;

1. Share your conerns about the student.
Talk to her about your concerns with respect to her child's education and adjustment at school.

2. Be supportive and provide information about community resources
The parent may feel overwhelmed and be worried about difficult situations that may result from a disclosure, including increased safety concerns (escalaton of abusive behavior, if her disclosure is discovered by her partner, apprehension about CAS involvement).

3. Encourage the mother to contact the local woman abuse program for support and help with planning for her safety.
Provide the mother with contact phone numbers or information on addictional safety measuers (Assaulted Women's Helpline) Offer her the opportunity to all and provide a phone and privacy. If possible, follow up to see if she has made the connection.

4. Reassure her that you will not speak with the alleged abuser about your concerns.
Talking to the alleged abuser about your concerns may endanger the youth or the victimized parent. Your reassurance that you will not discuss issues relating to violence with the abusive partner may relieve some of the concern the parent may be experiencing as a result of the disclosure.

Community Responses
Community Responses to wman abuse should;
  • provide safety\foster the emotional well-being of abused women and their children
  • hold abusers accountable through legal sanctions and batterers' intervention programs
  • provide a continuum of coordinated services that are accessible, regardless of a client's language and culture (cultural linguistic interpreters)
  • promote prevention efforts (school programs, public awareness campaigns) as a long-term strategy for social change.

Continuance of Women Abuse Affect Our Children

WAYS TO SUPPORT A STUDENT WHO MAKES A DISCLOSURE

Educators may receive disclosures about violence in the home from students, but feel they don't have the skills and comfort level needed to support these young people. The following guidelines are offered to enchance your ability to respond in ways that help students when disclosures occur.

1. Make sure you kno and understand the limits of legislation and your own school board policies

2. Allow the student to tell his / her story.
It usually helps young people to talk with a trusted adult about the violence or troubling events in their lives.

3. Do not pressure the student to talk.
It is important to remember your role is not to gather evidence or to investigate the situation. Your role is to listen and acknowledge the feelings the student is sharing.

4. Reassure the student
If students disclose a troubling incident or pattern at home directly to you, reassure them by validating their feelings ("Sounds like that was scary for you. Are you okay?") Depending on the situation, it may also be helpful to let them know that you are glad they told you, that the violence is not their fault, and that no one should be hurt.

5. Let the student know the limits of confidentiality
Inform students when you cannot keep information confidential (if a child is being abused, if someone plans to harm self or others). What you say will be influenced by the legislation in your jurisdiction and school policies.

6. Inform the student of what you are going to do
Students are likely to feel relieved but vulnerable following a disclosure. The situation they are dealing with may also leave them feeling powerless. Letting students know what steps you are taking and when you will talk to them again can decrease their anxiety.

Students may ask you not to say anything to anyone about what they have told you. It is important for you to explain your legal responsibilities and how you will carry them out. Let them know why, what, and when you need to tell an authority.

Educators are accessible, respected, trusted adults. Students maybe more comfortable and likely to talk with educators when concerns arise. Teachers can offer to be available if the students want to chat. Educators can play a role in helping students explore their options.

7. Support the student in making choicse whenever possible
Students do not have control over the troubling situation. You can increase their sense of control by offering them choices. For example, some students may want time away from the class immediately after making a disclosure (may prefer to sit in a library while waiting for a case worker to arrive). Others may wish to rejoin their class. Whenever possible, support the students' sense of what they need at this time, while preventing the development of self-defeating patterns (ongoing excused absences that impede academic achievement ). Inform and consult with other educators, the guidance counsellors, and / or administrative support personnel.

8. Do not criticize or speak negatively about the abusive parent
Young people often have confused or mixed feelings about the abusive parent. They may hate the abuse but like the "fun" times they also share with the abusive parent. Children and adolescents can feel very angry at and loyal to a parent at the same time. If you judge or criticize the offending parent, feelings of loyalty and protectiveness towards the parent may cause the youth to feel he/she cannot talk about the abuse.

9. Do not make commitments to teh student that you cannot honor
Sometimes educators are so moved by a student's situation and want so much to protect and reassure the youth, they make statements that they cannot fllow through on. Examples include such as;

"I will keep you safe;"
"I won't let him hurt your mother anymore!"
"I won't tell anyone what you told me."

While clearly well-intended, such commitments can deminish a student's trust in others when he/she discovers the statements are untrue. This may cause a young person to believe that no one can help and it's not worth telling anyone about the upsetting thigns happening at home.

Listen to students, validate their feelings ("Sounds upsetting, are you okay?") Reassure, let them know you are glad they told you, and let them know what you are going to do, (explain how you will carry out your legal responsibilities, describe school supports).

The student may choose this time to disclose because changes in circumstances have tipped the balance that the youth typical coping strategies are strained, respond supportively;
listen
validate feelings
reassure
inform
This may increase a student's sense of security and his/her willingness to share concerns or seek help in the future.

Continuance of Women Abuse Affect Our Children

STRATEGIES FOR SUPPORTING STUDENTS

Students exposed to violence at home may benefit from specific approaches and stragegies. While these approaches benefit most students, and are likely already being used to some degree in your classroom, they are especially helpful for students exposed to violence at home.

1. Create a safe and low-stress environment that promotes respect towards others.
  • Establish an explicit norm against violence.
  • Consistently enforce non-acceptance of violence
  • Teach and reward non-violent conflict-resolution and cooperation
  • Model nuturing, respectful behavior and gender equality
  • Foster cooperation
  • Reduce competition.
  • Avoid creating situations where students may be humiliated (peers picking teams)

2. Provide positive experiences and activities to promote security, self-esteem, and learning.

  • Provide positive reinforcement for students' efforts.
  • Provide opportunities for fun.
  • Teach all students to recognize their strengths and focus on ensuring that all students experience success.
  • Celebrate students' cultural and religious observances.

3. Let students know what to expect

  • Plan and prepare the students for visitors
  • Minimize last minute scheduling changes
  • Give advance notice of upcoming events
  • Give advance notice of upcoming lessons or activities that may touch on difficult experiences.

4. Increase positive connections to school

  • Look for a match between the student' interests and or strengths and the course ( specific special project), school (assisting custodian) or extracurricular activity (club, sports).
  • Encourage participation. Interact with the student from time to tiem to allow the student to talk about his/her involvement.
  • Enlist peer ( cross-age-mentor, tutor) and adult (staff volunteers) support to provide encouragement and support.
  • Use celebrities students can identify with, who value education, as role models.

5. The following strategies maybe particularly beneficial for students living with women abuse who are experiencing tiredness, lack of confidence in learning, difficulty attending and concentrating, and disruptiosn in homework routines.

  • Provide time during the school day for homework completion when the student maybe more able to attend to and complete it.
  • Use cooperative learning strategies that allo wfor more immediate feedback, occasions to share, and small group opportunities.
  • Consider ways of phyiscally setting up your classroom to take a variety of learning styles into account.
  • Check often for understanding to see if what you are saying or modeling is being heard or understood.
  • Repeat information in a calm manner.
  • Allow students to use learning aids such as tape recorders, calculators, reference charts, and computers as necessary.

6. Take advantage of opportunities to teach students about healthy relationships, equality, and gender roles.

7. Be aware that some activities or situations may remind students of troubling events associated with the violence in their homes, or violence or trauma in other contexts (community, another country).

  • Examples of events or themes maybe difficult for children living with violence include;
  • raised voices
  • alcohol/drug prevention activities/presentations
  • making something in class to give to a parent
  • violence prevention education
  • peer fights

  • Affected students may display intensified regular behavior or a change in behavior such as withdrawing, appearing preoccupied, becoming agitated or distressed, or acting out. Strategies that may benefit these students include:
  • Inviting the student to assist with another task (giving out handouts)
  • asking the student to run an errand (taking something to the office or library)
  • talking with the student after class.

Continuance of Women Abuse Affect Our Children

RESPONDING WHEN STUDENTS DISPLAY TROUBLING BEHAVIORS

These guidelines are helpful for eucators dealing with troubling behaviors, regardless of whether woman abuse is a factor.

1. Remember, that there may be a variety of reasons for the student's behavior.

  • Problems may be explained by a number of factors in the student's life. Exposure to woman abuse is only one possibility. Consider/ explore other possible causes (e.g. terminal illness, death of a family member, homelessness, being bullied, settlment issues for immigrant, or refugee families, parental alcoholism, or substance abuse).

2. Reassure students nad increase their sense of security in school by:

  • establishing simple rules and routines so they know what to expect
  • giving straightforward explanation (where possible) for things that may worry them (sirens, presence of police in school, locked doors, security cameras)
  • allowing students to express their concerns through talk, play, and written assignments.

3. Consult with other educators, guidance counselor, and or administrative or support personnel at your school.

  • Consultation provides opportunities ot obtain support, information about resources, and strategies for your room, and elsewhere in the school (hallways, yard).
  • In preparation for consulting with someone else, it may help to :
  • clarify your concerns as it relates to school/ your responsbilities to educate.
  • think about how you woudl describe the behavior (what is the problem? When did it start? How often does it occur? Who is affected and in what ways? What has been tried and how did it work?)

4. Remember that it is often not easy or safe to talk about family problems.

  • Woman abuse and other family problems are often treated with great secrecy. Sometimes the secrecy is a way of maintaining safety (children maybe fearful that threats of horrible consequences will be carried out if they tell someone about the abuse, mother may fear her abusive partner may harm or take the children if she tells someone about the abuse.) By asking, you will let the family know that you are concerns and willing to help. They may choose ot talk to you in the future if they experience violence or other problems that affect their children.

5. Talk to the student's parent

  • Express your concerns as they relate to the education of this student, or others in a supportive and non-threatening manner.
  • Ask the parent what she is noticing at home and whether she has any ideas about what might be contributing to the student's difficulty in school.
  • Discuss possible ways to support the student. (What can the parent do? What can you do?)

6. Provide information on available resources.

  • Offer information about resources in the community that might assist the student and his or her family (women shelter, domestic violence agency, child trauma/ treatment program, cultural-linguistic interpretation services).

We suggest that educators encourage parents to talk and seek assistance for their child from a physician or other community support agencies when the children's behavior:

  • is physically harmful to the student or others (physically fighting with others, laying down on the street)
  • is intense enough to interfere with the student's day to day adjustment in school.
  • does not respond to behavior management strategies
  • persists over time (3 to 6 weeks)
  • School educators often have a list of community support agencies available to them.

Continuance of Women Abuse Affect Our Children

IMPACTS ON CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Watching, hearing, or learning later of a mother being abused by her partner threatens young people's sense of stability and security.

  • Children and adolescents may experience increased emotional and behaviourial difficulties.

  • Some young people display traumatic stress reactions ( e.g. flashbacks, nightmares, intensified startle reactions, constant worry about possible danger).

  • Children and adolescents living wit hdomestic violence are at increaed risk of experiencing physical injury or childhood abuse (e.g. physical and emotional).

  • The abuser might use the children and adolescents as a control tactic against adult victims. Such as;
  • claiming the children's bad behavior is the reason for the assaults on their mother.
  • threatening violence against children and pets in front of the victim.
  • holding the children hostage and abducting them in an effort to punish their mother or to gain compliance.
  • withholding childrne's health cards or other essential documents (e.g. birth certificates, passports)
  • talking direspectfully about their mother to the children.

  • Children and adolescents may experience strong mied feelings towards their violent parent; affection existing along with feelings of resentment and disappointment.

  • Young people may imitate and learn the attitudes and behaviors modelled when woman abuse occurs in the home. They might;
  • use violence and threats to get what they want.
  • learn that people do not get into trouble when they hurt others.
  • believe men are in charge and get to control women's lives.
  • believe that women don't have the right to be treated with respect.

  • Exposure to violence may desenitize children and adolescents to aggressive behavior. When desensitzation occurs, aggression becomes part of the "norm" and is less likely to signal concern to young people.

  • Whatever a young person's cultural background, she or he is likely to experience similiar feelings about living with women abuse. However, some students face additional barriers to seeking assistance because of differences from the dominant culture, such as;

  • cultural and linguistic barriers
  • the visibility of their mother's situation within their community
  • distrust of adults in positions of authority
  • increased concerns about confidentiality
  • increased isolation
  • limited resources and supports
  • racism
  • discrimination
  • lack of immigration status

Children and mothers living in rural/remote areas may experience additional challenges such as;

  • increased isolation and lack of social support networks
  • difficulty accessing services due to lack of public ransportation and long distances to travel
  • the visibility of their situation within their community
  • increased concerns about confidentiality.

Barriers resulting from cultural differences may be compounded when students live in rural or remote areas.

SIGNS OF SOMEONE HAVING DIFFICULTIES

Students may display difficulties when they are living in abusive homes. These problems can occur for other erasons as well (death of a parent, homelessness, being bullied, traumatic events, experienced by a refugee or immigrant, or parental alcoholism). You may want to consult with other educators, the guidance counselor, and or administrative or support personnel to discuss your concerns.

Difficulties often include:

  • physical complaints (headaches, stomaches)
  • tiredness
  • constant worry about possible danger/ or safety of family members (going to check on sisters, or brothers, phoning home)
  • sadness and/ withdrawl from others and activities
  • low self-esteem and lack of confidence, especially for trying new things (including academic tasks)
  • difficulty paying attention in class, concentrating on work, and learning new information
  • otubursts of anger directed towards educators, peers, and or self
  • bullying and/ aggression directed towards peers, or self
  • stereotyped beliefs about males as aggressors and females as victims.

In addition to the behaviours listed above, older students may display:

  • Inflicted self-injury or mutilation
  • suicidal thoughts and actions
  • high risk behavior (including criminal activities (alcohol and sbustance abuse)
  • school trauancy or leaving home
  • getting involved in a violent relationship

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

http://ca.finance.yahoo.com/personal-finance/article/forbes/1087/how-to-sniff-out-a-liar

How to Sniff out a liar

http://www.forbes.com/2008/04/02/reid-technique-lying-ent-manage-cx_ml_0402catchaliar_slide_4.html?thisSpeed=15000

How to sniff out a liar in pictures.


The reason why I posted the above links is to show to watch a person's posture, and their facial features and eyes.

It is hard though on the Internet, but you have to use your intuition, and know the differences of truth and not truth.

And all the things that I post on here are the truth.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Domestic Abuse

http://www.mvwcs.com/cycledomesticviolence.html

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/emotional_psychological_trauma.htm

http://www.da.usda.gov/shmd/aware.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://www.soundvision.com/info/domesticviolence/

http://www.harrietlerner.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_abuse

http://www.domesticabuseproject.org/

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/abuse/a/990407.htm

http://www.lbp.police.uk/domesticabuse/

http://www.justanswer.com/law/family/domestic-abuse?r=ppcysp1Family%20Lawdomestic-abuse&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=hybrid&jprc=1

http://www.break.com/index/canadianpsa1.html

http://www.domesticabusemuststop.org/

http://www.childabuseprevention.ca/

http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/canada1.html

http://www.torontosun.com/news/canada/2009/01/09/7965876-sun.html

http://news.therecord.com/News/CanadaWorld/article/282000

http://www.safecanada.ca/link_e.asp?category=1&topic=3

http://www.lfcc.on.ca/ralinks.html

http://www.thestar.com/News/Canada/article/618334

http://www.preventelderabuse.org/elderabuse/domestic.html


And the list continues and continues, this is just from the Yahoo Search Engine.
How about in Google, and in MSN, or in other search engines out there that could offer thousands of other sites out there, Islamic and Non-Islamic on Information on how to Prevent and Stop Domestic Abuse/Violence, and how to recognize the signs, and how to help people through them.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL

Using Coercison/Threats: Making/ carrying out threats to do something to hurt her
threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare, making her drop charges, making her do illegal things.

Using Intimidation: Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
smashing things, destroying her property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.

Using Emotional Abuse: Putting her down, making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she's crazy, playing mind games, humiliating her, making her feel guilty.

Using Isolation: Controlling what she does, who she sees, and talks to, what she reads, where she goes, limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions.

Minimizing, denying and blaming: Making light of the abuse, and not taking her concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying she caused it.

Using Children: Making her feel guilty about the kids, using the children to relay messages, using visitation to harass her, threaten to take the children away.

Using Male Privilege: Treating her like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the "master of the castle", being the one to define men's and women's roles.

Using Economic Abuse: Preventing her from getting or keeping a job, making her ask for money, giving her an allowance, taking her money ,not letting her know about or have access to family income.


LOOK AT THE ABOVE


NOw look below

Equality

Negotiation/fairness: Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict, accepting change, being willing to compromise.

Non-threatening behavior: Talking and acting so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things.

Respect: Listening to her non-judgmentally, being emotionaly affirming and understanding, valuing opinions.

Trust and Support: Supporting her goals in life, respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, and activities, and opinions.

Honesty and Accountability: Accepting responsibility for self, acknowledging past use of violence, admitting being wrong, communicating openly and truthfully.

Responsible Parenting: Sharing parental responsibilities, being a positive non violent role model for the kids.

Shared Responsibilities: Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work, making family decisions together.

Economic Partnership: Making money decisions together, making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.
I went to one of my counseling sessions and they gave me a booklet: "Woman Abuse Affects Our Children".

I'm going to give out a brief summary about it as well as share a few other books I've read this past year, or last year to give you an emphasis of what anyone could be experiencing and that they're not alone.

A Glossary

Abused Partner: Someone that is abused by their intimate partner, also known as "survivor, victimized parent, and adult victim".

child abuse: "Child maltreatment" that can mean physical, sexual, emotional abuse, or physical, emotional neglect, or denial of MEDICAL CARE.

Child exposure to woman abuse: seeing, hearing, being told about, or seeing the aftermath of a mother's abuse by her partner.

coping strategy: A way to cope with a emotionally painful situation, referred as survival strategies.

domestic violence: abuse or assault of adults by their partners.

power and control tactics: A pattern of behavior involving coercion, threats, intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, using male privlege, minimizing the seriousness of abusive behavior, denial of harm, etc.

Woman abuse: a pattern of male behavior by power and control tactics against a woman, may involve physical assault. The abuse ranges from insults through life threatening injuries and sometimes death.
Woman abuse can take one, or two or more of these forms: emotional abuse, (degrading comments, withholding health card or important papers); economical abuse (denying access to money); sexual abuse ( forced) spiritual abuse ( preventing participation ), environmental abuse (making the home setting aversion for the partner); physical abuse, (punching, kicking, shoving, pushing, choking). All are violence against women.

Woman Abuse
  • occurs in all age, racial, cultraul, socioeconomic, educational, occupational, religious groups.

  • caused by contributing of violence against women in society; economic, political inequality of women; socialization of girls to palce the needs of others over their own and to value males more than females; sterotypes of masculinity indicating that being powerful and in control are good; societal attitudes condoning violence against women.

  • occurs within a current or past intimate relationship

  • typically involves repetitive behavior, including different types of abuse--physical, psychological, emotional, economic abuse, use of children.

  • involve severe forms of violence (beating, choking, burning) that result in serious injuries.

  • used to intimidate, humiliate, or frighten women as a systematic way of maintaining power, and control over them.

  • abusive behavior in most cases is learned (abusive behavior modelled in family of origin, abusive behavior rewarded, gets desired results for abuser).

  • caused by the abuser, not by the woman in the relationship.

  • it's a crime, where the actual or threatened physical or sexual force is used.

  • increased risk to woman and children at the time of separation from the abuser.

  • results in surivor behavior focused on ensuring survival (minimizing, self-blame, denying the violence, protecting the abuser, abusing alcohol/drugs, using aggression as self-defence, seeking help, remaining in the abused relationship).

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Everything will be included in my old blog.
http://ibyisamom.blogspot.com
or
http://ibyisamom2.blogspot.com

this one is alright of http://myownfreemind.blogspot.com/

but I need one, not just posting here and there at other blogs of what's been happening.

So, if it does come out then let it be here.
And, I'm tired of keeping it quiet and tired of sweeping it under the rug.