I also recommend not to lose hope.

I know it's easy to say and hard to follow. But, take it from me that has been there, and got out of it. Despite I'm out of that "Abusive" household. I still have to go through the emotional distress of coming to the realization of what I experienced was abuse, plain and simple.

Even though my ex did not beat me till I was black and blue, or break my bones to a point that I'm a bloody pulp. He did not put me in the hospital or anything like that.

But, he did put me through a whole line of abuse from emotional, verbal, psychological, economical, financial, mental, physical in the terms of shoving, pushing, and CHOKING, yes a lot of choking incidents to which he says he has no memory of, and sexual. Yes even to all the abuse that I have lived through and experienced, he says all these excuses of having no memory of it, or no control of it, or not being able to help himself because I'm so beautiful and that he can't help it which is a load of croak.

I know now from reading these books and reading information sites on victims of abuse, that this is what they will tell you so they can have an excuse for it, so you can pardon them for it, and that they can get away with it.

They can use intidimation over you, that it's their word over yours and yours is nothing compared to theirs. Yes. I've lived through that too and still am dealing with the emotional backlash of people who want me to keep the abuse quiet, saying it was my fault, or I was to blame, or that I ran away.

Excuse me, tell me seriously? Who wouldn't run away from an abuser that was mistreating them?

Honestly, if you were in the work field and your boss was giving you a hard time, to a point in where you felt you were losing yourself? Would you A) Find another job asap and get out of that situation B) Stick with the job, let it kill you because that's all you are anyways right?

So, I chose option A and I'm sure a lot of people would chose option A to get out of that situation. Why return to that same place over and over again if it's going to be the same thing, over and over again like a broken record?

You can have hope and pray that this person change, that they one day realize what they're doing is wrong, and for the sake of you, and the kids, and God that they can stop and get help.

But, I'm living in a delusional world to think that will ever happen, which is why I left. I chose to live rather than to surrender and die, which is what I felt all those months ago when I truly felt alone. I had to do my best to keep my strength up, and keep my hope that I could one day get out and try to be myself again like I use to before.

And I know people can say all sorts of crazy things, like "There are two sides to everything."

Yes, I agree. As much as people are telling you that one side of story, I'm telling you mine.

Maybe, maybe I'll go back to the very beginning, listing every single little detail down to the notch.
Maybe I'll give you a whole and full description of what I was feeling, and maybe, maybe you just might realize I did what I could and perhaps if you do realize that, maybe you will realize that and stop thinking I am in the wrong.

I never ran away, I left with the intention for my safety and the children's safety.
This might have caused me the breakup of an abusive marriage, but so be it. I will not be bullied into staying into a "marriage" and work it out for the kids sake, just so it can continue on and I find myself losing myself.

Of course people asked me if I was okay, and truly I could not share with them that I was not okay.

You really do not want to endure the abuse, nor want it get worsened if they hear you are telling people things. Even though you are discreet as possible and want them to get help, it still gets worse and worse and you suddenly find yourself in another place as these abuses take place.
All those emotions you're feeling is just sitting there, waiting to come out.

And when it does, you find yourself that you really had to let it all out, and let people know what you went through.

You also want to confront your abuser of all the pain you had to endure for years and years.
And to think, their response is, "Well you asked for it! You deserved it! OH PLEASE give me another chance! I'm ordering you to return to me at once!"

Sorry, but life does not work that way.

No I did not deserve it, nor did I ask for it, nor am I to blame nor am I at fault.
It does not matter if you say that, or a thousand people were to tell me. I know the truth.

Giving people chances when they do not apologize for their abuse, nor ask you for forgiveness means they can easily, easily take advantage of you. They take you for granted, and don't appreciate you. They know they can easily, easily, harm you, and abuse you, and use you because to them you're nothing but this thing that they can control, and have this sense of power.
They know just by little words they comment to you that it'll effect you emotionally, verbally, and mentally it'll effect you.
Killing your insides, ripping out your heart as you feel it being shoved back in. That's how I felt.
I was losing the interests around me as I tried to keep up with everything and still trying to be in with the activities, and try to cover it up and distract myself to get through them.

Not thinking about it when it was happening made me get through, putting it away and being in that other state while it was happening.

But I realize now because I didn't tell the "RIGHT PEOPLE" it kept on going on. I told the wrong people, the ones you can't trust because they just stab you in the back. I told the wrong ones because they cared more about telling others this, because it was a hiliarious moment to them to hear of someone else's abuse, it made them feel this sense of power over you that they knew this and could easily tell you whatever they wanted

So they contributed to the abuse, and contributed to the pain you felt. You knew at that point you couldn't tell anyone anything. Then, despite you confided in them in privacy, they still went and told your abuser. Whether it was to get him to stop, or get him to continue the abuse but this time with the emphasis that it was over, and that he could do whatever, get away with it, your word over his... his is more valuable, sacred, yours isn't...you're discredited, branded as a liar, and disobedient.

But, you know that is what is most likely being said about me, and it's not true.
I did what I could to save myself and the children, and protect them as I saw it was effecting me and them.

I can see so many of you defending women from afar going through abuse, yet it's happening in your own town, your own area, your own neighborhood and all you can say is well, she asked for it and deserved it. but, you don't know. You only know what you heard, and as I speak from my own two lips I have never lied about it.
and I know it's true, and I also know from the tons of brothers and sisters that have reached out to me to confirm and say 'we believe you sis, and this is our experience, etc..'

and I say.....JazakuAllahkhairun for sharing that with me, it probably took a lot out of you to do that, as it did for me.

This is my blog on my blog to vent out, my own free mind to speak on my own issues, my own thing without feeling the need I need to stop, or sweep this "abuse" under the rug because it's d irty, and dirt and dirt should be discarded.

I agree dirt has to be discarded but the way to discard it is to pick it up, see it's dirt and clean it up.
which is what we need to do with our community is clean it up.

why?

because we're a muslim ummah.