con't

The point of this is we need to make this situation aware to all.

We need to make it acknowledged and known.

We need to urge our masjids to have workshops for programs such as this, that address this.
We have way too many that discuss the usual topics we hear at masjids but not something like this.
We need to put in more suggestions for topics like this to be addressed.

We need more support groups, and counseling sessions for couples, and counseling sessions for sisters that has endured through pain, and sessions for our children.

We need outlets for where our children can go when they are in need.
We need more women shelters out there.

We need more treatment programs out there for people that have angerment issues.
We need more than what we can do with so little people we have, which is why we need to form together with all the different organizations and form as one, with the different branches within, yet still reaching out to the community, and reaching out to the people to join and contribute and give.

When someone asked me what I wanted out of this, I said I wanted it to be known as I speak from experience.
I also want to make sure it does not happen again to anyone I know and wouldn't get the opportunity to know because of it.
I do not want our children to go through it, even though some will say its bound to happen.

I'm going to say no it is not bound to happen if we all speak out to break the cycle.
I will try to do everything in my power, and everything in my will to help my children get through this, and to know they're not alone.
I will do everything in my strength to be brave and not be shut down.

I will continue to do this, so my children do not have to repeat this to their own families when they have grown, and to their own children in passing off the abuse to one another.

I feel that even though it is taught the abuse, you as a grown person or a person, have a choice.

You can repeat the cycle and continue to abuse in the sense that it's right within your mind, i.e. that person deserved it, they asked for it, they're to blame, it's their fault...blah blah blah...yada yada yada. I've heard it all. Try something else.

OR

You can say, Yes this happened to me. Yes it was wrong. Yes it was bad. Yes I went through a lot. Yes I felt alone. Yes I felt betrayed. Yet I felt like it just wasn't right.
But! As a grown person, I vow not to let that happen to anyone else. I vow not to let history repeat itself, I vow not to let my own family, my own children, my own friends go through what I have gone through as I can see how it is from the "INSIDE" and I know, Allah will give me strength to stop myself from getting into it.

YES, we all have our faults, and mistakes, and our sins.

But, we have to note here. What the abuse is, it's not covering up a fault, or a mistake.
Abuse isn't a fault or a mistake. It's a sin. A huge sin. A major sin. But, it's a type of sin that you shouldn't cover up under the rug and pretend it does not exist.
It's a type of sin, which is also against the law according to Islam, and humanity.

Whether a person is physically abused, emotionally, verbally, mentally, psychologically, sexually, intellectually, financially, economically, and etc.
It's still wrong and if me speaking out against it causes a lot of uproar within the Internet.
so be it.
I do not care. Why? Because despite we have a vast majority of people frequenting the Internet from all over.

If I can hope and pray and make it matter to one person somewhere out in the world, not to lose hope, not to give up, not to surrender, not to feel alone.
Then I know I did the right thing.
And I know from a lot of positive comments I've received.
Despite there's been a huge backlash of negativity comments, that's their own ignorance. As they say, there are two sides to a story. Yes.
They are telling you theirs. I'm sharing with you mine.
Take it or leave it.

But know......my benefit is to stop it...
for your little baby's sake.... so she does not say to you, this happened to her and no one cared.

The worse thing a parent can hear is them being hurt, and you could have done nothing to prevent it, you want to do your best to protect your child from harm, you try to protect them from talking to strangers and going with strangers.
yet this happens to them, and it's either from strangers, or even worse from someone they know, someone they trusted and that's how they are treated
im sorry.
but that's just wrong.

And if that means I'm ranting, raving, whatever.
so be it.
Allah knows my intentions, and feels my intentions so Allah has given me the strength.
and I pray Allah continues to give the guidance, and strength, and patience to stick this through.
insha'Allah.

my other blog

check my other blog
http://ibyisaliamom.wordpress.com

I also recommend not to lose hope.

I know it's easy to say and hard to follow. But, take it from me that has been there, and got out of it. Despite I'm out of that "Abusive" household. I still have to go through the emotional distress of coming to the realization of what I experienced was abuse, plain and simple.

Even though my ex did not beat me till I was black and blue, or break my bones to a point that I'm a bloody pulp. He did not put me in the hospital or anything like that.

But, he did put me through a whole line of abuse from emotional, verbal, psychological, economical, financial, mental, physical in the terms of shoving, pushing, and CHOKING, yes a lot of choking incidents to which he says he has no memory of, and sexual. Yes even to all the abuse that I have lived through and experienced, he says all these excuses of having no memory of it, or no control of it, or not being able to help himself because I'm so beautiful and that he can't help it which is a load of croak.

I know now from reading these books and reading information sites on victims of abuse, that this is what they will tell you so they can have an excuse for it, so you can pardon them for it, and that they can get away with it.

They can use intidimation over you, that it's their word over yours and yours is nothing compared to theirs. Yes. I've lived through that too and still am dealing with the emotional backlash of people who want me to keep the abuse quiet, saying it was my fault, or I was to blame, or that I ran away.

Excuse me, tell me seriously? Who wouldn't run away from an abuser that was mistreating them?

Honestly, if you were in the work field and your boss was giving you a hard time, to a point in where you felt you were losing yourself? Would you A) Find another job asap and get out of that situation B) Stick with the job, let it kill you because that's all you are anyways right?

So, I chose option A and I'm sure a lot of people would chose option A to get out of that situation. Why return to that same place over and over again if it's going to be the same thing, over and over again like a broken record?

You can have hope and pray that this person change, that they one day realize what they're doing is wrong, and for the sake of you, and the kids, and God that they can stop and get help.

But, I'm living in a delusional world to think that will ever happen, which is why I left. I chose to live rather than to surrender and die, which is what I felt all those months ago when I truly felt alone. I had to do my best to keep my strength up, and keep my hope that I could one day get out and try to be myself again like I use to before.

And I know people can say all sorts of crazy things, like "There are two sides to everything."

Yes, I agree. As much as people are telling you that one side of story, I'm telling you mine.

Maybe, maybe I'll go back to the very beginning, listing every single little detail down to the notch.
Maybe I'll give you a whole and full description of what I was feeling, and maybe, maybe you just might realize I did what I could and perhaps if you do realize that, maybe you will realize that and stop thinking I am in the wrong.

I never ran away, I left with the intention for my safety and the children's safety.
This might have caused me the breakup of an abusive marriage, but so be it. I will not be bullied into staying into a "marriage" and work it out for the kids sake, just so it can continue on and I find myself losing myself.

Of course people asked me if I was okay, and truly I could not share with them that I was not okay.

You really do not want to endure the abuse, nor want it get worsened if they hear you are telling people things. Even though you are discreet as possible and want them to get help, it still gets worse and worse and you suddenly find yourself in another place as these abuses take place.
All those emotions you're feeling is just sitting there, waiting to come out.

And when it does, you find yourself that you really had to let it all out, and let people know what you went through.

You also want to confront your abuser of all the pain you had to endure for years and years.
And to think, their response is, "Well you asked for it! You deserved it! OH PLEASE give me another chance! I'm ordering you to return to me at once!"

Sorry, but life does not work that way.

No I did not deserve it, nor did I ask for it, nor am I to blame nor am I at fault.
It does not matter if you say that, or a thousand people were to tell me. I know the truth.

Giving people chances when they do not apologize for their abuse, nor ask you for forgiveness means they can easily, easily take advantage of you. They take you for granted, and don't appreciate you. They know they can easily, easily, harm you, and abuse you, and use you because to them you're nothing but this thing that they can control, and have this sense of power.
They know just by little words they comment to you that it'll effect you emotionally, verbally, and mentally it'll effect you.
Killing your insides, ripping out your heart as you feel it being shoved back in. That's how I felt.
I was losing the interests around me as I tried to keep up with everything and still trying to be in with the activities, and try to cover it up and distract myself to get through them.

Not thinking about it when it was happening made me get through, putting it away and being in that other state while it was happening.

But I realize now because I didn't tell the "RIGHT PEOPLE" it kept on going on. I told the wrong people, the ones you can't trust because they just stab you in the back. I told the wrong ones because they cared more about telling others this, because it was a hiliarious moment to them to hear of someone else's abuse, it made them feel this sense of power over you that they knew this and could easily tell you whatever they wanted

So they contributed to the abuse, and contributed to the pain you felt. You knew at that point you couldn't tell anyone anything. Then, despite you confided in them in privacy, they still went and told your abuser. Whether it was to get him to stop, or get him to continue the abuse but this time with the emphasis that it was over, and that he could do whatever, get away with it, your word over his... his is more valuable, sacred, yours isn't...you're discredited, branded as a liar, and disobedient.

But, you know that is what is most likely being said about me, and it's not true.
I did what I could to save myself and the children, and protect them as I saw it was effecting me and them.

I can see so many of you defending women from afar going through abuse, yet it's happening in your own town, your own area, your own neighborhood and all you can say is well, she asked for it and deserved it. but, you don't know. You only know what you heard, and as I speak from my own two lips I have never lied about it.
and I know it's true, and I also know from the tons of brothers and sisters that have reached out to me to confirm and say 'we believe you sis, and this is our experience, etc..'

and I say.....JazakuAllahkhairun for sharing that with me, it probably took a lot out of you to do that, as it did for me.

This is my blog on my blog to vent out, my own free mind to speak on my own issues, my own thing without feeling the need I need to stop, or sweep this "abuse" under the rug because it's d irty, and dirt and dirt should be discarded.

I agree dirt has to be discarded but the way to discard it is to pick it up, see it's dirt and clean it up.
which is what we need to do with our community is clean it up.

why?

because we're a muslim ummah.

What is Emotional Abuse

• Humiliating and degradation
• Discounting and negating
• Domination and control
• Judging and criticizing
• Accusing and blaming
• Trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations
• Emotional distancing and "silent treatmetn"
• Isolation

Emotional abuse can also include more subtle forms of behavior such as;

• Withholdin of attention or affection
• Disapporving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior.
• Sulking, and pouting
• Projection and or accusations
• Subtle threats of abandonment (either physical or emotional)
• Believing that others should do as you say
• not noticing how others feel
• not caring how others feel
• believing that everyone else is inferior to you
• believing that you are always right (it's their attitude)

Emotional Abuse Does Damage

Victims are depressed, lack of motivation, confusion, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, low self-esteem, feelings of failure, or worthlessness, feelings of hopelessness, self-blame, self-destructiveness. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing, as it wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their perceptions, and self-concept. Such as being berrated, and belitted, by intimidation, under the guise of "guidance" is seen here.

The victim eventually loses all sense of self and personal value.

Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may longer last than the physical ones.

Emotional abuse has the insults, insinuations, criticism, accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until they feel they are incapable of judging a situation realistically. They may believe there is something wrong with them, or fear that they are losing themselves. They've become so beaten down emotionally, verbally, that they blame themselves for it.

It poisons the relationship, and infuses it with hostility, contempt, and hatred.

The more the partner is allowed to degrade the victim, the longer it will continue, and the victim will lose respect for the abuser (her partner).

The more abuse that the victim is enduring the more she will build up an intense hatred towards her partner the abuser. The disrespect and hatred that they feel leads to more emotional abuse and inappropriate, and destructive behavior.

The anger will build up overtime and the emotional can turn to physical or even worse.

This is a sample of the book entitled: "How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" the "Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverly Engel

author of the "Emotionally Abused Woman"

Another book I recommend is "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out" by Patricia Evans.

Continuance of Women Abuse Affect Our Children

GUIDELINES FOR WHEN A PARENT IS A VICTIM OF WOMEN ABUSE

You may be planning to talk to a mother about your concerns about her child's education and adjustment at school. During the parent-educator meeting, the mother may disclose situations at home where she or the children are being abused. if this occurs;

1. Share your conerns about the student.
Talk to her about your concerns with respect to her child's education and adjustment at school.

2. Be supportive and provide information about community resources
The parent may feel overwhelmed and be worried about difficult situations that may result from a disclosure, including increased safety concerns (escalaton of abusive behavior, if her disclosure is discovered by her partner, apprehension about CAS involvement).

3. Encourage the mother to contact the local woman abuse program for support and help with planning for her safety.
Provide the mother with contact phone numbers or information on addictional safety measuers (Assaulted Women's Helpline) Offer her the opportunity to all and provide a phone and privacy. If possible, follow up to see if she has made the connection.

4. Reassure her that you will not speak with the alleged abuser about your concerns.
Talking to the alleged abuser about your concerns may endanger the youth or the victimized parent. Your reassurance that you will not discuss issues relating to violence with the abusive partner may relieve some of the concern the parent may be experiencing as a result of the disclosure.

Community Responses
Community Responses to wman abuse should;

• provide safety\foster the emotional well-being of abused women and their children
• hold abusers accountable through legal sanctions and batterers' intervention programs
• provide a continuum of coordinated services that are accessible, regardless of a client's language and culture (cultural linguistic interpreters)
• promote prevention efforts (school programs, public awareness campaigns) as a long-term strategy for social change.

Continuance of Women Abuse Affect Our Children

WAYS TO SUPPORT A STUDENT WHO MAKES A DISCLOSURE

Educators may receive disclosures about violence in the home from students, but feel they don't have the skills and comfort level needed to support these young people. The following guidelines are offered to enchance your ability to respond in ways that help students when disclosures occur.

1. Make sure you kno and understand the limits of legislation and your own school board policies

2. Allow the student to tell his / her story.
It usually helps young people to talk with a trusted adult about the violence or troubling events in their lives.

3. Do not pressure the student to talk.
It is important to remember your role is not to gather evidence or to investigate the situation. Your role is to listen and acknowledge the feelings the student is sharing.

4. Reassure the student
If students disclose a troubling incident or pattern at home directly to you, reassure them by validating their feelings ("Sounds like that was scary for you. Are you okay?") Depending on the situation, it may also be helpful to let them know that you are glad they told you, that the violence is not their fault, and that no one should be hurt.

5. Let the student know the limits of confidentiality
Inform students when you cannot keep information confidential (if a child is being abused, if someone plans to harm self or others). What you say will be influenced by the legislation in your jurisdiction and school policies.

6. Inform the student of what you are going to do
Students are likely to feel relieved but vulnerable following a disclosure. The situation they are dealing with may also leave them feeling powerless. Letting students know what steps you are taking and when you will talk to them again can decrease their anxiety.

Students may ask you not to say anything to anyone about what they have told you. It is important for you to explain your legal responsibilities and how you will carry them out. Let them know why, what, and when you need to tell an authority.

Educators are accessible, respected, trusted adults. Students maybe more comfortable and likely to talk with educators when concerns arise. Teachers can offer to be available if the students want to chat. Educators can play a role in helping students explore their options.

7. Support the student in making choicse whenever possible
Students do not have control over the troubling situation. You can increase their sense of control by offering them choices. For example, some students may want time away from the class immediately after making a disclosure (may prefer to sit in a library while waiting for a case worker to arrive). Others may wish to rejoin their class. Whenever possible, support the students' sense of what they need at this time, while preventing the development of self-defeating patterns (ongoing excused absences that impede academic achievement ). Inform and consult with other educators, the guidance counsellors, and / or administrative support personnel.

8. Do not criticize or speak negatively about the abusive parent
Young people often have confused or mixed feelings about the abusive parent. They may hate the abuse but like the "fun" times they also share with the abusive parent. Children and adolescents can feel very angry at and loyal to a parent at the same time. If you judge or criticize the offending parent, feelings of loyalty and protectiveness towards the parent may cause the youth to feel he/she cannot talk about the abuse.

9. Do not make commitments to teh student that you cannot honor
Sometimes educators are so moved by a student's situation and want so much to protect and reassure the youth, they make statements that they cannot fllow through on. Examples include such as;

"I will keep you safe;"
"I won't let him hurt your mother anymore!"
"I won't tell anyone what you told me."

While clearly well-intended, such commitments can deminish a student's trust in others when he/she discovers the statements are untrue. This may cause a young person to believe that no one can help and it's not worth telling anyone about the upsetting thigns happening at home.

Listen to students, validate their feelings ("Sounds upsetting, are you okay?") Reassure, let them know you are glad they told you, and let them know what you are going to do, (explain how you will carry out your legal responsibilities, describe school supports).

The student may choose this time to disclose because changes in circumstances have tipped the balance that the youth typical coping strategies are strained, respond supportively;
listen
validate feelings
reassure
inform
This may increase a student's sense of security and his/her willingness to share concerns or seek help in the future.

Continuance of Women Abuse Affect Our Children

STRATEGIES FOR SUPPORTING STUDENTS

Students exposed to violence at home may benefit from specific approaches and stragegies. While these approaches benefit most students, and are likely already being used to some degree in your classroom, they are especially helpful for students exposed to violence at home.

1. Create a safe and low-stress environment that promotes respect towards others.

• Establish an explicit norm against violence.
• Consistently enforce non-acceptance of violence
• Teach and reward non-violent conflict-resolution and cooperation
• Model nuturing, respectful behavior and gender equality
• Foster cooperation
• Reduce competition.
• Avoid creating situations where students may be humiliated (peers picking teams)

2. Provide positive experiences and activities to promote security, self-esteem, and learning.

• Provide positive reinforcement for students' efforts.
• Provide opportunities for fun.
• Teach all students to recognize their strengths and focus on ensuring that all students experience success.
• Celebrate students' cultural and religious observances.

3. Let students know what to expect

• Plan and prepare the students for visitors
• Minimize last minute scheduling changes
• Give advance notice of upcoming events
• Give advance notice of upcoming lessons or activities that may touch on difficult experiences.

4. Increase positive connections to school

• Look for a match between the student' interests and or strengths and the course ( specific special project), school (assisting custodian) or extracurricular activity (club, sports).
• Encourage participation. Interact with the student from time to tiem to allow the student to talk about his/her involvement.
• Enlist peer ( cross-age-mentor, tutor) and adult (staff volunteers) support to provide encouragement and support.
• Use celebrities students can identify with, who value education, as role models.

5. The following strategies maybe particularly beneficial for students living with women abuse who are experiencing tiredness, lack of confidence in learning, difficulty attending and concentrating, and disruptiosn in homework routines.

• Provide time during the school day for homework completion when the student maybe more able to attend to and complete it.
• Use cooperative learning strategies that allo wfor more immediate feedback, occasions to share, and small group opportunities.
• Consider ways of phyiscally setting up your classroom to take a variety of learning styles into account.
• Check often for understanding to see if what you are saying or modeling is being heard or understood.
• Repeat information in a calm manner.
• Allow students to use learning aids such as tape recorders, calculators, reference charts, and computers as necessary.

6. Take advantage of opportunities to teach students about healthy relationships, equality, and gender roles.

7. Be aware that some activities or situations may remind students of troubling events associated with the violence in their homes, or violence or trauma in other contexts (community, another country).

• Examples of events or themes maybe difficult for children living with violence include;
• raised voices
• alcohol/drug prevention activities/presentations
• making something in class to give to a parent
• violence prevention education
• peer fights

• Affected students may display intensified regular behavior or a change in behavior such as withdrawing, appearing preoccupied, becoming agitated or distressed, or acting out. Strategies that may benefit these students include:
• Inviting the student to assist with another task (giving out handouts)
• asking the student to run an errand (taking something to the office or library)
• talking with the student after class.